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While I sit, tied to the phone like an expectant father...

Today was on the whole, not a bad one. I managed to stay human despite the the numbing quiet at work. It got a little hairy for a bit when I began to slip into internal dialogue and away from the world, but I hung in there.

I got my essay results back, 78%, pretty good all told. Despite my illness at time of writing and its hurried nature. Very positive.

I managed to get Rachel's brother's, feed the pets and pick up the new food for ours. All good so far.

That was when it all started to go wrong. I was nearly home when my phone rang in my pocket. I knew this was Rach phoning from Falmouth so we could talk and catch up. Getting into the house I rush to the phone and find a message.

It's garbled and I can't make anything out due to the quality of reception. No problems I say, I'll just phone her.

Her fucking phone is switched off

Every time Rach goes away this happens. She hasn't charged it, it's been left in the house... always. Now back in the bad old days this just meant my paranoia went even more sky high. I panicked, I just fucking lost it, all those bad things that I've left behind.

Now, now, the paranoia and the anger is back. I'm so wired I'm shaking, it's fucking ridiculous when you think about it. I'm fine not being in contact with her 24/7 if I know I can. Now hoewver I'm stuck with no way to contact her. She's probably waiting for me to call depending on the message that I can't decipher.

I'm a little fucked up at the moment. I'm not going to do anything really stupid, but I think I'll stop typing and get some help

Okies, got it all sorted out. Everything's fine, trust me on this. I've contacted Rach and all is well. Everyone as you were ... move along ... nothing to see here....

Current Mood: hyperhyper

Hello? Is there anybody out there?

I wonder sometimes what I am doing here. I sit here baring my soul to a computer screen and for what? Do I think I will be famous with thousands of admiring fans hanging on my next words? Do I want to shock my friends and family, to drive a wedge between myself and them in an elaborate, but distant act of verbal self-mutilation? Do I crave attention, writing words of pain to elicit a response from others? 

I find sometimes that I have no answer. To write these words can certainly cathartic, a way of exocising my inner demons, but it seems a bit public, despite the fact that no-one really reads this. Oh, I know that somebody must read this, but who? 

I suppose that it has irked my very paranoid soul that I write some very personal and revealing things about myself in a format that is only likely to be read by my enemies.

So again, why do it? Why not, I suppose, my computer doesn't criticise me, it won't run out on me, ok, maybe it'll break down, but it's a computer neh? Maybe, that's why. I force myself to keep writing, keep working through a bad spell or negative view, eventually turning it around to something better, perhaps. Sometimes, I just want to shout and rave and be destructive in a way that doesn't directly hurt myself or those around me. By expressing myself in a 'safe' way I can not give in to my darker impulses.

Also by writing to a fictitious audience, I can help confront some of my own sense of dislocation that plagues me. I speak as if to others who understand my plight, sometimes even to others I cannot speak to directly, those who I cannot understand, who cannot understand me. I can be a 'sheep herder, ranting under the stars' as Bill Hicks once described himself.

Is there anybody out there? ... Ah. there you are, are you sitting comfortably? then I'll begin... 

Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: 'Profundo Rosso' by Goblin

Well my pretties, welcome back.

What has been happening in my exciting and wonderful little world? Well I have three words for ya:




Yes, yes, best beloved, it seems that I've not been resting like I should and my glass is not so much half full as nearly half way to being half full. When you're ill you just want to get better. so you feel better. Life's not gonna beat ya, so you get on with life. For a bit, then you don't feel so good. Maybe you take a day, but then back into the thick of it. And so on...

Eventually, you use up all your reserves, and then your're into your emergency reserves. At which point you have to stop

dead stop

If'n I don't I'm not getting back up for a looong time. So I get a week at home, a week where I'm not allowed to do anything, except my essay:

Part 1
Carefully read the following text (An extract from Great Benin: Its Customs, Art and Horrors, (1972 [1903]) Northbrook, IL, Metro Books). What can it tell us about cross-cultural encounters? (500 words)

Part 2
Why is the ownership of Benin art so controversial? (1000 words)

So that's fun. Actually it's not too bad, there's plenty to write about and I'm inspired so hopefully it'll all go well.

Life? Well apart from all the palava around work and some sorta negative, sorta positive things at a big meeting I went to last week, I'm ok.

All of you looking for rants and stuff, may want to turn off, 'cuz I'm not in the mood atm.

Roleplaying front is good, Sundays are going really well, we're all enjoying it. I am working on the next 'series' of Eberron - The Blood of Galifar. It's been great taking a party from level 1 to 20 gauranteed. They're at about level 12ish at the moment, really starting to take on the bad guys. Next up for me will be Dark Heresy. I've finally succumbed to it. I didn't want to like it, really I didn't, but it's great, really.

Anyway, starting to get tired now.

See you later space cowboy


Current Music: Slow Boat to China - Charlie Parker

Ok, folks, I haven't really had a manic episode this year. I've been mistaken, I've even been flat out wrong, but it's not really started.

Now I ask you all, is it ok to miss is? I mean, I'm disinhibited, confused, insomniac, difficult to understand and jumpy as long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory. Not to mention batshit crazy. I'm better off without it all right?


So why do I feel bad because it hasn't happened? I'm not sure. One theory is that if I miss a manic ep, then I might not have another one. This means that if I don't have another one, I'll be pretty much cured and I won't have an excuse for my behaviour.

It's sad, but my Biploar has become part of me, the label, the tag I've been trying outwardly to avoid. I'm not sure I'd know what to do if I didn't have it. I know that the true answer is get on with my life, but it's weird y'know?

So if you've seen my manic episode, send it my way, I miss it.

Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Radio PWEI - Pop Will Eat Itself

Hello and welcome,
Well a bout of a flu virus has done weird stuff to my manic ep. It seems that I suffered the physical effects, but managed to stay on top of things and stay relatively normal.

Ok, so The Election. This is all I will say on the matter:

I spent all of Polling day sorting postal votes. I was up until about 3am, which is not as bad as those on the actual count, who were there until 5am!! I learned a lot about the voting system and all the checks we went through to make sure we were all above board. I have faith in the system, maybe not so much in the politicians.

Life is ok, the OU course is going well. I'm a little stuck on an essay at the moment, but I think that if I batter hard enough at it all will be well.

Sam's coming over from America at the end of the month with Tomomi. It'll be nice to see them both. I miss my brother sometimes.

My budo is kinda back-burnery, not sure why, I think that as I've back off, I've relaxed and started to enjoy it again. It seems the more I relax, more more natural it seems to become. Somehow I think this is the way it's supposed to be =^.^=

LARP is getting good. I ran my first adventure at the weekend. It was fun, but I went a little too easy on them. At least it is something I can work on. They liked the plot, and to me this is the important thing. Here's to more adventures and possibly refhood one day!

Of course the most important news: My family. Mr Vincent hasn't been to well recently, he'd ben vomiting loads and was losing weight at a fair whack. I'm glad to say he's back to normal and beatin up Dot as usual! Little Dot, when she's not being picked on by Mr V, is as daft and puddled as ever. Things between me and Rach are good and as long as we are good, ALL is good.

So there you go, I am well, I am calm (pretty much) and things are ok for now.

Until next time, Space Rangers, adieu


Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Gladiator OST

I ar still here. I am fine, the world is good, I haven't killed anyone.


though the night is still young and I have been stockpiling "weapons*"

Love you all!

*eggs, fruit, squeeeky toys, machetes and thermonuclear hand grenades

Current Mood: curiouscurious

Greetings true believers!

I am absolutely bricking it atm. Tomorrow I've got to stand up in front of 100 odd people and talk about my Self Injury.

It's all part of a good thing and hopefully, some people will have some myths dispelled and will be better equipped to deal with young people who self injure. It's going to be exhausting, scary and a challenge, but I'll get up there and face them.

I'm working with Wolverhampton TaMHS, CAMHS and Children & Families, Social Inclusion (send me a message if you want details of any of this) on a project that started as a request for advice and has spiraled into this. It's all good, believe me, but it's going to take loads concentration and energy to stay on top of things.

On other fronts, my life is pretty well atm, I got through a shaky patch not long ago, but I'm feeling good. I' still waiting for the dreaded manic episode to appear, but it may have been and gone. Fingers crossed...

My writing is going pretty well, Speed Dating is up to 14,000 odd words which is great and the characters are really atarting to speak for themselves. Rach is fine, our relationship is solid and we're doing well. The kitty cats are ok, but Mr Vincent has been ill. All I can say is that he's much more himself, but we're watching him closely.

My LARP is really coming along well, I'm going to an event at easter where we get to play the bad guys and I'm really looking forward to getting down with my bad self. Budo is so-so, I've got my spirit back, but it was touch and go. I can't really say what it is that's been the problem. I think I'd fallen out of love with it for a while. I think it'll take a bit of time to get fully back into the swing of things, but every practice is a little better.

The biggest thing in my life atm is my OU degree, it eats up so much of my time. Got my first essay (TMA 01) back with a 75. Not bad, not bad at all, still room for improvement, but it's all going well.

No rant I'm afraid, maybe next time eh?

Love you , you wonderful, wonderful people

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: happyhappy

Well, I'm not at work today. It's not due to the snow, just my brain being very, very strange.

I'm obviously suffering from my depressive episode, but to be honest I'm coping really well. All through Christmas and New Year I've been fine. No real problems.

The snow and ice and all, I made my way into work and survived really well again. Now that the snow is starting to melt I'm beginning to fall apart. Maybe it's because I've worked my ass off keeping it together and not losing it. My brain just went "coast's clear, hard work done. Aaaand relapse!"

New sypmtons this time, just to keep me on my toes. I get periods where things go all weird. I get hallucinations and shit, very odd. Mostly it's smell. I used to smell burning just before I had a dip in mood. It's crazy, but it's true. Now I smell coffee. Coffee! I don't know why my mind does this to me, but just as it gets full dark I begin to smell coffee, like fresh coffee from a filter or cafeitiere. Then Boom! My mood plummets, paranoia rears it's ugly head and I just want to hide.

Not that I'm not hiding right now. I get paralyzed by ... something. I can't go out, can't really do anything, just be passive. I shake or get twitches so I drop things or spill stuff. It's crazy man.

So, all being well, I'll be at Practice tonight. Feels like I haven't picked up a real sword in ages, although I seem to be more interested in things made out of wood atm. Jo and Niten hold my interest. Maybe it's the politics of the BKA or the method of examination, but I do not thrive in that environment. Not at all. So because of that, I am seemingly on the back foot as soon as I pick up my Iaito and I don't want it to be that way. I'm not just picking up my sword to do fun stuff and concentrate on keiko, but i'm picking up the whole of the BKA and the weight of expectation, pressure and my fears.

Suddenly that iaito gets mighty heavy. Instead of freeing myself to think about cutting my opponent in the most expedient and cool way possible, I'm carrying all the bullshit pressure I've put on myself. Sometimes I feel I need to let it all go. Sometimes a sword is just a sword, an instrument to bring about the end of another person and ultimately save your life.

Before we stopped for the Christmas break, the tameshigiri taught me my a valuable lesson. I hope to carry that lesson over into the new year, pick up my iaito, perform a spiritual chiburi, shake the problems off it and enjoy my Iai again.

Ciao babies

Current Mood: weirdweird

Hello, well best beloved, I am much more chipper today than I have been for a long time. After a miserable weekend I am on the up again.

After practice on Thursday I felt a twinge of pain and stifness in my shoulder and right arm. This worried me a little and I kept an eye on it all over the weekend of misery. Nothing happened to make me miserable, just my horrid little brain chemistry treating me badly again. So Whilst worrying about my shoulder I completely miss my right calf muscle/tendon. It's been agony. I've been hopping along like some old cripple.

Well, the shoulder turned out to be nothing in the end (although the rest and care I took with it might have helped), my cold sore is definately on its last legs and I only limp a little bit now.

All is well, I'm coping with my Dep Ep and things are looking up.

of course writing that in public has now jinxed it, I'm sure...

Current Mood: chipperchipper

I am feeling a little better, the world is a slightly less hostile and unforgiving place

That is all

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